Can't. Quit. Fail.

I want to first apologize for how long and rambly this post is.   I’m going to try to condense it as much as I can, but I feel like background is necessary.

I was raised to not say can’t and not to quit.  I have never quit anything in my life.  Okay, I quit clarinet, but that was only for two weeks.  I was raised to strive to be the best.  Once I got straight A’s, that was the bar that was set for me.  If I got a B, my mom responded with “why wasn’t it an A?”  During high school and college, I’d get updates on my cousin’s grades, and was told to “be careful or he’ll beat you!”  My competitive spirit and need to be perfect was cultivated early on.  Not my mom’s plan, I’m sure, but that’s how it turned out.  Can’t was not a word we used.  Quit is not something we did.  Fail was not an option.

Everything I’ve ever done has been done with 110% and I’ve been good at it.  Music, languages, academics, and baking were all things I excelled at.   And if I didn’t excel?  I’d push myself so hard and throw myself into it until I came out perfect.  I’d practice my instruments and I’d conjugate verbs in Swedish and Danish while watching TV or in bed.    Sports, though?  I’d never touch the stuff.  I had enough running when we had to do 600 yards every spring in high school, thank you!

So fast forward to May 2012.  I decided to run a 5K.  Me? Run? PSH, NO! But I decided to anyway.  I walked a lot, but I did it.  Then I signed up for the Philly Half that November.  I walked a lot, but I did it.  Then I signed up for the Pittsburgh Half in May 2013, less than a year after I started running.  I trained.  Okay, maybe I slacked a little.  But I still pushed myself to do what I could.  I learned to accept that I’m slow, and I may never run the entirety of a half marathon, but I’m not alone in that, so it’s okay.   I ran Philly because of the timing – if I didn’t register for a half last summer, I knew I never would, and Pittsburgh was too far away.  Pittsburgh is my adopted home town.  I love it, and the idea of racing there was fantastic.  I couldn’t wait to run around a city I love so much.

Mike & I drove out to Pittsburgh for race weekend, and had pre-race dinner with my aunt, uncle, and two cousins who were also running the half.  They grew up with the same take on can’t, quit, and fail as I did, except they substituted sports for the music & language I focused on.  So I figured they’d run faster and finish the race before me.  First, they’re guys.  Second, they’re already athletes. 

As we sat at dinner (and cousin #1 dissected my choice of dinner before a race), the conversation fell to the pace requirement (16:00 miles) of the race, and they started mocking it.  Their take was that, if you’re doing a half marathon, you should run faster than that.  I mentioned that people stop to walk.  They commented that it’s a half marathon and you should run.  The dinner and weekend I was so looking forward took a very disappointing turn.  My uncle and cousins – people who I’d expect to support me – turned my running and, even worse, my race into a joke.  I combated their comments with what I could.  I’m short, I’m obese, I’m borderline asthmatic, I have pronated feet and arthritis.  They continued to laugh at the entire notion that people would walk and be so slow during a race.  They laughed at the idea I’d run in a tutu, which was the only comment I could effectively counter.  “You take this seriously, I do it for fun.”

Mike & I left dinner and went back to the hotel.  I wouldn’t talk to him the whole ride back.  When we finally got to our room, I couldn’t help but breakdown.  MY hardwork was mocked.  MY running was mocked.  MY ENTIRE RACE was turned into a joke.  What I had worked for the past four months, what I had decided to do a year prior, was all one big joke.  Mike reminded me of what I said at dinner, and that I didn’t take it seriously, and it was for fun.  But I didn’t want to hear it.

We went to bed, I woke up early, and I sat by our window overlooking the start and cried.  I didn’t want to be there.  I didn’t want to run.  I wanted to hang up my running shoes.  If Mike hadn’t been there with me, I would have driven home after dinner.  The race I was so excited for was suddenly a nightmare.  Maybe they were right.  Maybe I shouldn’t do it if I can’t run it all or if I’m slow.  I decided to do it anyway, because I had paid for my registration, a room in the city, our rental car, and because Mike was laying ten feet from me.  I did it because I didn’t want to disappoint him when he had been my biggest cheerleader.  I even debated skipping my tutu, but figured I’d enjoy my last race and wear it.  I laced up my shoes for the last time, and walked out of the hotel.

Miles 1-2 weren’t bad.  I was still in a nice cluster of runners and I totally felt into the race.  As the pack thinned out though, my thoughts drifted back to what my cousin and uncles said.  Races are meant to be run.  Who registers if they’re slow?  Those people shouldn’t do races.  And I cried.  I lost count of how many times I wanted to stop and just walk to the medics and quit.  But I didn’t, because I didn’t want to disappoint Mike, so I just silently cried while running (or walking) and kept going.  Sometimes, spectators and volunteers would say something that would inspire me and feel like, however I was doing it, I was accomplishing something.  But that inspiration quickly faded. It took me hours and miles to get out of the funk.  It wasn’t until the split between the half and full marathons around mile 10.5 that I got out of my head.  It wasn’t until the water stop at 10.7 where a volunteer made me feel like I was doing so well I could have won.  I don’t know who that woman was, but she saved the last two miles for me.  She liked my tutu and my matching nails.  I was heading into a killer hill between miles 11 & 12, so I needed her words more than ever. 

As I passed the mile 11 flag, I told myself there was no quitting now.  I told myself to conquer the hill and it’d be pie after that.  Well, I kicked so much ass on that hill that I wasn’t even sure I had climbed it.  I walked to the mile 12 marker, still waiting for that hill, and knew I had passed it.  The Pitt Drumline played at mile 12, and, as a former Pitt Band member, it made me smile, and I jogged my last mile.  The whole race I heard people talk about my tutu or take pictures, but my favorite was approaching the finish.  As I sprinted to the finish, I heard “look at tutu go!” come from the spectators.  I mean, I know sprinting is just a sign I mismanaged my energy or some crap, but that rule can bite me.  I crossed the line, got my medal, and wanted to die. 

I met up with Mike, and we sat on some grass for a bit.   He told me he was proud of me.  I looked for my aunt, uncle, and cousins, who I presumed would be waiting for me.  My cousins finished in less than 2 hours, and they all decided to go back to their hotel.  Well, thanks for the support guys.  I ran into a friend who ran the full instead, and he congratulated me and gave me a sweaty hug, even though we finished at the same time. 

I learned the difference between a runner/race runner/half marathoner/marathoner and a person who runs that day.  The “people who run” will judge your pace and time and if you walk, because clearly, you are not a runner.  The runner/racer/etc will see your accomplishment regardless of time. 

I learned something else that day, too.  I don’t need to always win or beat my cousins.  I don’t need to be perfect.  For once in my life, I am allowed to be imperfect at something.  I’m allowed to see myself make gains and get better, even if I’ll never be the best.  I’m allowed to run, walk, crawl, or skip those 13.1 miles no matter how long it takes.  I’m allowed to wear a tutu and have fun with running and races. 

 

It may have taken me 3:38:53, but I am no less of a runner because of that time.  I finished, just as they did.  I earned a medal, just as they did. 

 

 

 I have a point, I swear.  My point of all of this is that there will always be haters.  There will always be someone telling you that you can’t do it.  Sometimes, it’ll be you.  Sometimes, it will be your family.  Sometimes, you’ll let them ruin your race because you can’t get them out of your head.  But there will also always be amazing people who help you push through.  I let the haters get into my head and ruin my race.  I let them take away something that is so important to me that I was so looking forward too.  So focus on the people trying to help you, not the ones tearing you down.  Your supporters out number the haters, and positive thinking is so much more helpful and a much better use of your time.

In case you’re wondering, my cousins finished around 1:55/56, with a sub-9:00 pace.  And they’ve both informed me that they’ll never run another race again.  So (thankfully), I won’t have to worry about another hate filled dinner, the day before a race to tear my will to run to shreds.  Meanwhile, I'm less than 6 months away from half marathon #3.  It will be a perfectly imperfect race, and I will most certainly be wearing a tutu.

I'm Back!

I've been gone for a while, and I'm sure I promised to make a return once or twice, but I'm serious this time! 

I have a lot going on, but I'm going to try and keep up with my blog.  If nothing else, it will serve as a place to focus on my progress.

What's happened since I last posted:

*I started selling Thirty-One products.  So that's taking up some of my time!
*I'm training for the Pittsburgh Half on May 5
*I started personal training 1-2 times a month
*I've stuck to my running program for my half!! (which takes up most of my time)
*I fell in love with my new running shoes!

More on all of that to come, I promise!!  But right now, I have to get back to work :)

Short Hiatus.

I've been on a bit of a hiatus from running since my half marathon.  It took a couple days for my calves to recover and stop hating me, but my foot persisted.  After two weeks of pain when walking, limping, and leaning into my arch (which, by the way, I shouldn't do, since I'm a pronater anyway and that causes me more problems...), I called the podiatrist.  Basically, the shoes I had were complete crap and I'd need new ones.  What happened was that I wasn't fitted properly for shoes.  I didn't know that when I bought them, obviously, since I was new to running and a half marathon wasn't even in my sights -- just my first 5K.  Turns out they don't correct my overpronation issues entirely, and the bones/ligaments/tendons/things in one spot on my foot rubbed together/got pinched/got very angry at me. 

I got a cortisone shot in my foot to chill out the tendon/ligament/things and dear goodness, that shot was awesome.  I was numb for a day and a half, but now the pain is gone and I've regained feeling.  The spot of the shot has been a bit sore since I got it, but other than that I'm fine.  I'm hoping that by this weekend, all pain will be gone so I can go out and by not-crappy shoes. 

The best part of my podiatrist visit, however, was that I officially found out that I am okay to run, and run far, as long as I stretch my feet properly and get decent shoes.  I knew I should have called them before running in the Philly Half, but to be perfectly honest, I was petrified they'd say no.  And then I would have trained and paid all that money for nothing.  So I was going to call after my race, before I signed up for anything further.  And then when I got there with my injured foot, I figured their answer would be "why are you dumb enough to do this?"  But it wasn't!  My doctor gave me the name of a good store that can fit me (properly!!) and told me that as long as I wear the right shoes and train properly, there's no reason I can't run many many more half marathons in my future!

I'm seriously missing the gym and running.  I don't even want to attempt any cardio machine with my old shoes, because, if my feet roll in, it's just painful.  So, I'm aiming for some weight lifting this week.  I cannot wait to get new shoes that fit well and hit the pavement again, though.

My next planned race is the Pittsburgh half, and I'm considering signing up for one before that as well.  I've caught the race bug, now I just need to get this foot all better and get going again.

Half Marathon Lessons Learned

I learned a lot of do's and don't's yesterday.  I don't know how many people will ever read this, but I'm hopeful that it will help someone some day.

DOs

1. Do stretch after your race.  Your muscles may feel fine afterwards, but when you wake up in the morning, your calves will feel a lot tighter and hurt like a bitch all day.

2. Do pack some Aleve in your post race bag.  My doctor suggested it to me when I first started getting pain in my joints possibly related to arthritis, and it's amazing.

3. Do bring tissues.  I took them because a check list said to, so I figured "okay, this is probably necessary for some reason."  For some reason, your nose will just start running when you do.

4. Do have a plan for a run/walk method, if you intend to do that.  Tell yourself "if I run two minutes, I can walk two minutes," or "I will walk until 1:15 and then run a minute" when you need more walking time.  Not having a plan will cause you to walk more than you intended, even when you don't have to.

5. Do carry water.  Even if the course has water stops, I prefer to bring my own in case I need it (or a gel) between water stops.

6. Do pack comfy clothes in your gear check bag or with your spectators.  Pulling sweat pants on in 40-45 ish degree weather after running that distance was HEAVEN.

7. Do be willing to sacrifice some of your pace to finish strong, if you want to run through the line.  I'd rather drop my pace down a few seconds and run through that line triumphant than keep my pace up and have to walk through.

8. Do measure the distance you have left in ways that make you believe you can finish.  At three miles, you're 1/4 way there!  At 6.5, you're 1/2 way there!  At 10, just a 5K left! 

9. Do realize that no matter how fast or slow you're going, you're doing it.  You are a rockstar for even lining up at the start.

10. Do text your spectators or support system if you need encouragement.  I sent at least three or four texts to my friend who was supposed to also run but was injured. 

11. Do have fun! You worked hard!  Have a dance party in the street to your favorite song (...um, don't look at me, I don't do that...).  Sing out loud if spectators are playing a song and you want to (didn't do that either.  Most certainly did not sing "Ohhhh We're halfway there!" from Living on a Prayer..).  No one is judging you, I swear. 

12. Do allow yourself some time to rest and recover after your race.  A week or two off from running will not kill you while you come back from it. 

13. Do thank volunteers and spectators.  They don't have to be out there in the heat or cold, but they are, because they want to help and support you.  When times get tough on the course, these are the people that keep you going because they don't even know you and they believe in you, so you should too.

13.1. Do wear your medal all day, even if you just hang around at home.  You earned it, now wear it proudly!

DON'Ts

1. Don't think you can jump from 8 miles to 13.1 because you can walk that extra distance and think you'll be fine.  It takes more than you think to do that.

2. Don't try anything new on race day.  Beaten to death this one is, right?  I wore underwear I thought I ran in before.  Nope.  I ended up with a wedgie for a few miles, and chaffing everywhere a seam touched my skin. 

3. Don't skip race week runs.  One or two miles once or twice is better than completely cold legs that haven't been used in a week.

4. Don't skip foam rolling.  I decided my muscles didn't hurt too badly, and didn't do it.  I regret that now.

5. Don't lay on the couch the rest of the day.  The more you move, the better your legs will feel. 

6. Don't measure the distance you've run in "onlys."  Don't say "I've only run a mile so far" or "I'm only half way there."

7. Don't listen to music the whole time.  If there are spectators, unplug.  Their support is amazing.  Definitely unplug at the finish line.  Hearing all those people cheering is enough to get you over that line.

8. Don't be afraid to cry at any point.  You've just put yourself through physical, mental, and emotional pain. You're allowed to cry because you finished, because someone said something inspiring, or because you dropped your last clif block on the ground. 

9. Don't talk yourself out of it.  You've worked hard.  Find someone to talk you into doing it.  I'd be more than happy to if you're psyching yourself out.

10. Don't be afraid to stop and take pictures.  Funny sign?  Take a picture.  Guy dressed as a giraffe giving out high fives? Take a picture (I wish I did!).  Your race is over in a morning, but those pictures will always remind you of that day.

11. Don't give up.  Unless you are injured or on the brink of injury, don't quit.  I have regretted everything I've ever quit, and if you work that hard and quit, I think you would too.

12. Don't worry about what place you're finishing in.  You're finishing.  If you're first or you're last, you've still accomplished something other people haven't.  You're amazing for trying.

13. Don't forget your chocolate milk or whatever recovery food or drink you choose to use.  Man, was I bummed when Mike didn't have chocolate milk at the finish for me because I forgot to tell him to grab it.

13.1. Don't look at that medal and think of it as something you earned running 13.1.  You didn't.  You earned it through months of training.  You earned it through the mileage you put on your shoes, legs, and feet.  You earned it because of every morning run, every hot run, every rainy run, every good run, every bad run, every run you couldn't wait for, every run you didn't want to do, every long run, and every step you've taken on this journey.  That medal isn't just about that day, it's about everything you've worked for.



Now go kick some asphalt!

Race Recap: Philadelphia Half Marathon!

My half has come and gone and I am still alive.

The past couple days have been filled with a ton of pre-race jitters, questions of if I've trained enough, questioning if I'd finish, and just generally doubting myself.  Thankfully, I have some of the most amazing people supporting me (online and in real life) so I knew I'd be able to go out and finish at least.

My trip to the expo Friday night was short.  I picked up my packet, perused the official race merchandise, and left.  I saw a great jacket that I liked (not in my size, of course) so I have decided to order it online.

I woke up this morning around 4.  And by "woke up" I mean "stopped pretending to be asleep like I had all night cause the dog was jumping on me."  I forced down 1/4 of a bagel, and I was off to get dropped off.  I got there early, around 6, and waited around for the start.

 

As we were about to cross the start line, a spectator was standing on the side telling us how we had this, we were great, and other encouraging things.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't almost cry as I crossed the starting line.

Mile 1: Pretty easy mile.  I ran at least 1/2 of it straight through, then alternated walks & runs.  I did not appreciate the "Almost Done!" sign less than .5 miles from the start though!  At that point, I had run a 14:37 mile.

Mile 2: Pretty fast & flat, and was over before I knew it.  I was still under 15:00 and psyched about it.

Miles 3-4:  I enjoyed these miles because they ran through part of South Philly and I have a special place in my heart for SP.  I went to high school there and met the love of my life.  Anyway, I honestly couldn't tell you where the mile 4 marker was.  All I know is that I was still running under 15:00 and that was my goal.  I saw a pretty awesome sign that made me laugh.  While rounding a corner between 3 & 4, a volunteer was cheering on every runner.  I believe he said something along the lines of "Come on, Anne, you can do this! You're doing great! Keep going and you'll be at the finish line soon."  Cue a huge smile from me followed by wanting to cry.

 

Miles 5-6.75ish:  These were downtown.  It was sort of nice to run downtown, but I had a serious urge to just pull over into Dunkin Donuts & call it a day.  But I didn't.  I hit 6.2 still under 15 minutes and I was super excited.  I realized at this point that my water bottle had leaked on me, I was soaked, and my legs were literally freezing, but I couldn't tell.

Mile 6.75ish-8: Ran through University City.  Some Drexel frat guys offered beers and cheered.  I slowed a bit in this section because I hit a wall since that was my distance in training.  I walked a lot, but I was okay with that.  I was still hitting just over the 15:00 mark.  I stopped at this point to hop into a port-a-potty because I broke the cardinal rule of "don't try anything new on race day" and wore underwear I hadn't worn running before and I had a wedgie (I'm sorry, TMI).  I will never break that rule again.  As I stood in line, though, my legs felt like jelly, and I had to keep bouncing or alternating shaking them to keep myself from just stopping all together.  Stopping for anything makes it very hard to continue.

Mile 9: I walked a lot, ran what I could.  It runs by the zoo, and I seriously considered stopping and going to hang with the lions.   At every mile marker, they had the race logo spray painted onto the sidewalk.  I thought that was a pretty neat touch.

 

Mile 10: Killer hill, at least for me, since I've been running on flat ground.  I walked the whole mile, fell to a 15:30ish and seriously considered cutting across and cutting parts off.  But that's cheating so I did not do that.

Mile 11:  Pretty quick & easy.  There was a downhill, a turn around, and then back to level ground.  I ran to the mile marker & started walking.  The lack of training was hitting me pretty hard.


Mile 12-13: I walked it.  I didn't even care about pace at this point because I wanted to finish by running across the line, not walking.  So I took my time.  As I came through 12.5ish, I saw the back of the art museum and knew I'd be done soon.  I was pretty much at the "put one foot in front of the other" point and that's all I could think of.

Mile 13.1: I ran in across the finish line, almost cried again, got my heat sheet and medal and found my lovely boyfriend who was waiting for me with a pretzel, some water, and my sweat pants.

 

I finished in 3:31:18 with a 16:07 pace.  I wish I had stayed at 15:00, but I finished and that was really my goal today.  I went from a non-runner in January to a beginner running in June (first 5K) to a half marathoner in November.  Pretty stellar year if you ask me!

It was a very physically, mentally, and emotionally draining day.  The spectators and volunteers were phenominal and they made up for the stretches without spectators.  No matter who they were there to watch, most spectators acknowledge everyone by name (thanks to our bibs) and told us to keep going, we could do it, etc.  The amount of support I had from complete strangers was amazing.  I had to fight myself a lot mentally because I kept coming up with "I can't do this" and I'd counter with "the hell you can't, run."  My legs hurt.  My feet hurt.  My knees are probably hurting the most.  I'll be rolling myself around work tomorrow in my desk chair.  But I did it.  I ran 13.1 miles without stopping and I can call myself a half marathoner.


Now please excuse me while I go to bed super early and catch up on some much needed sleep.

Scariest Run of My Life.

I haven't posted recently because I have no energy to do anything when I get home at night, but I have to post about this.

We've all read horror stories of women that were attacked while running, and while we're all careful, that doesn't remove the threat entirely.

My neighborhood isn't super nice, so I refuse to run around it.  Instead, I drive to Mike's and go to a park about a half a mile from his house.  It's a nice park and is usually busy with kids on the playground, people walking dogs, runners, and bikers.  It has a nice little 2.6 mile loop, and that was perfect for me to finish my 10 miles on Saturday.  I was feeling good and ready to finish my 10 miles.  It would be my last long run before my half, and the only one where I passed 6 miles. 

My first two laps went well.  It was a good run and I felt good.  I had two laps to go, and I started my third lap without hesitation.  As I came around one of the corners, I ran parallel with the road into the park.  It connects to three parking lots, and then exits.  As I ran parallel to the road, I noticed an SUV driving slowly by, going the same direction I was.  We were in a park and there were tons of kids on the playground, so I initially thought it was someone being careful.  I kept running.  Next thing I know, the SUV is driving slowly the other direction, but only slowed by me.  At this point, I was uncomfortable, but kept going.  Then I saw the SUV drive by slowly AGAIN, going the same direction I was.  At that point, I got really uncomfortable because I realized he was turning around just to slowly pass me. 

I was almost half way around the loop at this point and I had two choices: turn around and run along that road some more, or keep running forward past where the road exits.  I decided I wanted to pass him as little as possible, so I kept going.  I hadn't seen him in a while, and thought that maybe he had left.  As I passed the last parking lot, I saw the SUV parked there.  As I drove by, I saw the window roll down and a man staring at me as I ran by.  I was more than half way around by this point, but was starting to get concerned about continuing on the path.  The next fifth of a mile would be tucked away, and that concerned me.  But I kept going, keeping an eye out behind me.  I decided to power walk instead of run my intervals, because if he did come up behind me, I wanted as much energy as I had left. 

I made it through that tucked away stretch and onto the homestretch -- the last mile, which ran directly next to a highway.  That made me feel a little safer.  I wanted to ask the next large man or person with a large dog if I could walk with them back to my car, but the park was strangely empty by this point.  I kept power walking, running at times, and was determined to finish this lap for 7.8 miles, get in my car, and drive.  I glanced to the parking lot across the park as I passed it again, and the SUV was still there.  I kept going.  As I approached my parking lot, I took my hydration belt off and took out my car key so I could just get in and leave and not fumble with anything.

I got back to my car, drove away, went straight home to Mike's, locked all the doors and curled up with Shelby.  Obviously, I am safe now, but that doesn't mean that I'm perfectly unaffected.  Something that should be enjoyable for me now presents very real dangers and I'm scared. 

It was one of the scariest days of my life, and I've decided that I'm never running alone again.  Shelby is going to be my new running buddy, even if I only get to run .1 miles out of three until she's used to it.  Even if I walk every step of 10 miles, I will.  She's an absolute sweetheart, but I have no doubt that if someone attacked me while running, she'd tear their face off.  I'm also going to buy pepperspray and attaching it to the elastic on my hydration belt with a quick release keychain so that I don't have to fumble to get it out.  Mike also insists that I get a whistle and put it on a quick release keychain as well. 

I'm not writing this to scare anyone out of running or anything.  I'm writing this because I think it's important to realize that even if you think an area is safe, busy, and that nothing will happen, something still can happen.  I'm one of the most careful people I know becaue I grew up in an area that's not amazing.  I keep an eye out for everything, and am aware of my surroundings.  But being aware and being prepared are two different things. 

Be careful & be aware.  There are a ton of crazies out there and you can never be too careful.

First Half.

Wow.  I can't believe it's been two months since I last posted.  I've been meaning too, but didn't.

I started a new job with a longer commute, and as such, everything in my life pretty much stopped since I'm so tired at night. 

I have been running and have worked my way up to six miles in preparation for the Philly Half.  It's coming up fast, and I'll admit I'm no where near prepared.  I was supposed to run eight this weekend, but Hurricane Sandy sort of got in the way of that.

So I'll be running seven tomorrow and then ten on Saturday or Sunday.  Unfortunately, the weekend is the only time I can get to the park I do my long runs at, and I'm not up for ten miles on a treadmill next week.  So I'm just going to get this done.

The following week, I plan on doing another 10 and then I've got one week until race day.  Yikes!!  I'm nervous and scared and not quite sure if I'll be able to talk myself into it bright and early on that early Sunday morning.

Any tips or tricks for my first half?  I'd love some advice and guidance in the next 2.5 weeks!